I've been with my fiancé for almost 3 years. Throughout our relationship we've been through infidelities, trust issues, insecurities, frustrations, egos, and the like. Were there times that he wanted to leave? Yes. Were there times that I have attempted to leave? Yes. We were still coming back to each other.
As of right now we have not been speaking since last Sunday and the other time we've made contact was to discuss (very briefly) when we were going to sit down and have a serious discussion and I did ask him did he miss me and in his reply he said of course. However, that was it. What makes this situation more disturbing and heartbreaking for me is that I'm pregnant, six months pregnant, with what could be my first child. I still wear my engagement ring in the midst of all of this. I speak to my God Mother frequently (my mother has passed on in 2015) and she has been a great person to talk to. She does not bash my fiancé but speak truth and positivity into me as well as keeping us lifted in prayer. I've even reached out to a good female friend of mine that has been married for over 10 years and she encourages me and also prays for me. What I want you to get from that is true and real friends do not bash or speak negative about your situation. Being petty in real life situations is not cute and it doesn't help. I cannot tell you how my fiancé feels and I do not know what is going through his mind on anything but today. I placed him positively in my prayer.
What was I scare of? Making it to 30 to become a single mother. My relationship ending with the person I thought I loved and loved me. Being alone in NC because all of my family lives in Pennsylvania or out west. Being a failure. Becoming like the other two mothers that he's had children by. These were my fears. What bothers me the most: I avoided dating men with kids but didn't want to miss my blessing of having a good man that has made mistakes. That he will sometimes not tell me where he is or what he's doing. I also feel as if he puts his X (who he has kids by) before me when he put the ring on my finger, looked me in the eyes and told me he wanted me to be his wife.
Rewinding to yesterday:
I felt as broken as I could get (I did in the middle of the night/morning when I woke up out my sleep crying asking God what do I do about everything).
After going to the craft store to look for another planner that I would actually use (I found one btw :-)) I went to the Lifeway store which is a faith based store that sells Bibles, spiritual self help books, church supplies, etc. I was determined to get back in the word and run back to God. I had realized that all my anger, flipping out, attitude, and unhappiness was because I have been leaving God out of my relationship and trying to worship my fiancé instead of who I was supposed to, God. My purchases included a blue NLT Bible (it had to be pretty I know), a blue mug with a verse on it, a blue tumbler with a verse on it, and a silver heart necklace with a verse on it. Oh and from the craft store I purchased some faith based journals to document and reflect my reconnection with the father.
Today as I was at the laundromat conducting my own bible study my verse of the day was:
My prayer at the end was:
I pray that today be a new day. As of right now I don't know where I'll be laying my head in a week. As of right now I don't know if I'm even engaged and I don't know if I'll be keeping my baby. Despite all those fears and heartaches I pray you guide me and keep me focused. I also ask that you touch the heart and mind of (finance's name). However it goes I know you'll give me favor.
In Jesus' name,
What I really want to happen is that he will start putting me first, that we communicate on a better frequency, put God in our relationship, and incorporate peace, love, forgiveness, joy, teamwork, cohesiveness, faithfulness, and gentleness into our relationship.
What do you struggle with or have issues with in your relationship and how do you resolve it? What do you think about my current situation.